Sex Ideas and Tips: Rape Fantasy and Resistance Play

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Psychologists tell us that rape fantasy is one of the most common of all sexual fantasies, especially among women. They're also arguably among the most psychologically charged fantasies, and some people react to them with feelings such as guilt and shame.

Exploring rape fantasy can be a fun, exciting, and healthy part of sexuality, as long as it's done with a trusted partner in a safe and controlled setting.

"Resistance play" is any kind of sexual role-playing scenario in which one person acts out using "force" on the other, who struggles and resists. Not all rape fantasies involve resistance play and not all resistance play involves rape fantasy, but the two are combined often enough that I'll talk about both of them here.


Deciding What you Want

The idea of rape fantasy covers a lot of ground. Different people are attracted to different aspects of fantasized non-consensual sex, and it pays to talk about what it is you like about the idea with your partner before you start. You and your partner may have very different notions in your heads about what "rape fantasy" means, and if you're not on the same page, it might just end up in some very not-fun and not-sexy ways.

Talking to your partner about it first doesn't take the fun out of it. Some people are reluctant to talk about rape fantasy in detail with their partners, either because they feel that if it isn't a surprise, it won't be as exciting, or because they are worried about feeling awkward or silly when they get down to it. In practice, though, it doesn't work that way; in my experience, talking about it first before you do this sort of thing is crucial to having a fun, exciting, and positive experience.

Before I go any further, though, let me back up a bit and talk about what rape fantasy is not.

Rape fantasy is not rape. Rape is an act of violence, perpetrated by an attacker on an unwilling victim. It's not an act of sex; it's about power and control. Rape fantasy, on the other hand, is a completely different story. It's something that the people involved do because they both choose to do it, and because it's exciting for both of them. Like all fantasies, it isn't real, and shouldn't be confused with the real thing. (In fact, I've talked to one person who has been raped for real, an experience she did not enjoy at all, who nevertheless still has fantasies about non-consent. The reality and the fantasy live in very different places, and are very different things.)



It's not uncommon to be intimidated by the idea of acting out a rape fantasy, even if the fantasy itself really appeals to you. Sometimes, people who have these fantasies (and most people, at some point or another, do have them) feel guilty or ashamed about them. People who like fantasizing about playing the role of the "victim" often may wonder if having rape fantasies means they want to be raped "for real," while people who might like to play the role of the "aggressor" may worry about hurting their partners, or may feel guilty or ashamed about being asked to do things to their partners that they've always been taught are wrong.

But acting out a rape fantasy is nothing at all like real rape. Think of it as play-acting; a person who plays the role of a villain in a James Bond movie isn't trying to take over the world for real, and a person who acts out a rape fantasy doesn't want to rape someone or be raped for real.

If you and your partner both enjoy acting out a pretend "rape" scenario, then there's nothing wrong with what you're doing; you're merely acting a role because you both enjoy it.

One of the key elements of most rape fantasy is the idea of powerlessness. Some folks like that a lot; it can be very liberating to construct a fantasy setting in which you are not in control, and therefore it's not your fault. In fact, people who are raised with conservative ideas about what sex "should" be like or what kind of sexual activities people "should" engage in can find the notion of helplessness quite appealing, because it removes the social stigma from enjoying activities they might consider taboo.

So different people find different things appealing about rape fantasy. That's why it's important to think about what you want from it before you start experimenting with it. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to script out every little thing that happens, but it does mean you and your lover should both have similar ideas about what you want.

Some of the things people find appealing about rape fantasy include:

Loss of control.
He moves in closer, still maintaining his firm grip on her arm. "There's nothing you can do," he says. A small smile touches his lips. "You can't get away. Soon, I will have my way with you..."

Loss of control can free people to enjoy things they think they "shouldn't." It is also very sexy in and of itself; even for folks who don't have any particular taboos about sex. It can be really sexy to have a lover do things to you that you can't control, or doing things to your lover that your lover can't control.

Restraint.
The last of the straps was buckled firmly in place. She ran her fingers lightly over his thigh. "No escape for you! You can not move...but it's okay. You can still scream if you want to."

Some rape fantasies involve being tied up or bound to the bed or other forms of being restrained, which can certainly heighten a sense of loss of control.

Being desired.
"When you walked in the door, I knew I had to have you, whether you wanted me to or not." Fingertips brushed lightly over the hollow of her throat. "And now...I will."

A common element in many of the rape fantasies I've heard about includes the idea that the "victim" is so sexy and so desirable that the "attacker" is completely overwhelmed and absolutely must possess the "victim."

Resistance or struggling.
"Think you can get away?" With one step backward, the clothing ripped under his grip. "Let's see. If you can make it to the door, I'll let you go. If not...well, let's just say you won't soon forget what I have planned for you."

Many people find that wrestling with a partner or grappling with a partner is a huge turn-on. It gets the blood pumping and is a fun way to be physical with your partner; just the act of struggling with someone is sometimes a powerful aphrodisiac. Not all resistance play is rape fantasy; I know many folks who like to wrestle before or during sex. But adding an element of mock struggle to a rape fantasy can make it much more intense.

S&M.
Her breath caught. Fingernails tightened in her thighs. "What are you going to do to me?"
"Only this." They dug in, raking the soft skin of her inner thigh.

For some people, resistance play is also an opportunity to have some fun with pain play as well. Biting, hair-pulling, and other rough housing figure into many rape fantasies, and offer a way to add a little spice to a fantasy scenario.

Anonymity.
Pale eyes looked out from behind the mask. "You don't know me, but I know you." The top button yielded easily to gloved fingers. "And I think that now we will know each other more intimately."

Sometimes, the thrill of being made to have sex with a mysterious, masked stranger is one of the turn-ons in a sexual fantasy. The idea of sex with a stranger is something that's still considered taboo by many people, especially for women, and the allure of an unknown partner can make a fantasy more powerful.

Since every fantasy is different, it's important to talk to your partner about what gets your motor going before you start to explore this kind of scenario. Talk about your fantasies and the things you like about them. Do you want a scenario where you and your partner "fight" each other, or would you prefer something where your partner is merely ordering you around? Do you want your partner to dress the part, perhaps in a ski mask or hood, or would you rather see your partner? Would you like to be tied up, or would you prefer just to be pushed down and taken advantage of? Do you want to be undressed, or would you like your partner to rip your clothes off of you, or would you rather be "made" to undress yourself? What sorts of acts do you think you might like to be "forced" to perform? Think about what gets you going--not necessarily in great detail, but just in general. It's easy to leave enough room for your partner to do things that surprise you while still providing enough of a framework that your partner has a general sense of what you like.



In any kind of resistance or mock-"rape" scenario, you'll probably be saying things like "No!" and "Stop!" during the scene. Doing this adds to the excitement and the feeling of realism of the encounter. It's important to establish a "safeword," a special word you can use that means "stop" for real if you don't like what's happening or if you think something's gone wrong. This should be a simple, unmistakable word that isn't going to come up otherwise. I use "aardvark" as a safeword; other people like the word "red." Whatever you choose, make sure you and your partner are both clear that if either of you says this word, it means "stop" for real and the scenario ends immediately.

It's not just the person playing the "victim" who needs a safeword. Sometimes, the person playing the "aggressor" may find that role to be psychologically challenging as well. fter all, the "aggressor" is being asked to act out a role that we are brought up to believe is wrong; playing the "bad guy" in a sexual fantasy can be challenging, too.

Decide on a word that any of the people involved can use to mean "stop." Make sure that all of the people involved are aware of this word. If something goes wrong, don't hesitate to use it. Remember, the purpose of acting out a fantasy is to have fun! If you're not having fun, it isn't working.

Props

A few props can sometimes make a rape play scenario more exciting and add to the fun. One of the simplest but most effective props is simply a change of clothes that you don't mind losing. It's a lot of fun to rip or cut the clothes off your partner's body, or to have your clothing ripped off. You can use those ratty old clothes in the back of the closet, or even buy a cheap shirt from the local thrift store.

Along the same lines, if anonymity is the turn-on, a ski mask makes an effective prop for the "aggressor." Or you can use a pair of nylons or a hooded sweatshirt.

If bondage or restraint is part of your scenario, it's helpful to have some cuffs set up in advance; nothing kills the scene quicker than fumbling around for rope while your "victim" is waiting (im)patiently. Using cuffs rather than just rope is helpful because it's easier to restrain your partner with cuffs, even if your partner is "resisting."

For some people, the thrill in this kind of fantasy is not in struggling, but instead has to do with the suggestion of force. Some folks like to incorporate a "weapon" into their play, such as a toy gun (paint it black for a more realistic look) or a simulated knife or dagger.

Flea markets and swap meets are your friends. I've found all kinds of inexpensive, elaborate toy guns and knives at places like this.



Some people use a real knife or dagger for this kind of fantasy scenario. This kind of prop is helpful for cutting off your partner's clothing, or for creating the illusion of control.

If you do this, it's important to pay close attention and be very careful. If you hold the knife against your partner, turn it so the sharp edge is outward, to reduce the chance of accidentally injuring him or her. Don't use it as part of resistance play; struggling with a partner who has a real knife can lead to injury. This sort of prop is best suited to a scenario in which you use the suggestion of "force" to make your partner do as you say.

If you use a knife or a pair of scissors to cut off your partner's clothing, take care to avoid injury by making sure you cut away from your partner's body (and your own). Don't cut up along your partner's clothing, but rather place the knife or scissors under your partner's clothing and then draw it away from your partner.



If you like the idea of using something like a knife during this sort of fantasy play, and you also like blindfold, one thing you can do is show your partner the knife, then blindfold him or her. After your partner is blindfulded, replace the knife with a letter opener or a dull butter knife. Your partner won't know you've made the switch, and will still think you're holding the original knife. This can make the psychological sensation much more intense, while helping to make sure you won't accidentally injure your partner.

Negotiation

So now that you've thought about what parts of a rape fantasy appeal to you, it's time to talk to your partner! The key to making this work is to make sure that everyone has similar expectations going in; if you like the idea of helplessness, but your partner's idea of "rape fantasy" involves S&M activities, and you haven't talked to each other before you begin, somebody's not going to have fun.

A good way to begin is to talk about your favorite fantasies involving coercion or non-consent, and listen to your partner's fantasies. Don't be afraid to discuss what it is about them that revs your motor. Sometimes this can be difficult; if you're not used to talking openly with your partner, then talking about something as emotionally charged as rape fantasies isn't easy. But if you are interested in exploring this kind of role-playing in the bedroom, it's necessary to be able to talk about it first. (I'm of the firm opinion that if you're sharing your body with someone, you should feel safe enough with that person to share your words, too.) You can use some of the things on this page as a checklist. Do you want to struggle? Do you want your partner to use "force" to "subdue" you, or only use words? What kinds of "force" turn you on?

It's a good idea to talk about what you don't like, also. For example, some people find face-slapping a huge turn-on, but many people find it to be too intense, so this isn't something you'll likely want to spring on your partner by surprise. The same goes for things like scratching and biting, which turn some people on and turn other people off. If you are playing the "victim," it's important that you set boundaries for what you do not want as well as what you do.

Scenarios

There are as many different ways to role-play a mock-"rape" scene as there are stars in the sky. If you're interested in rape-play, I'm sure you've probably got plenty of ideas of your own, but just in case you want some more, these short scenes might get your creative juices flowing.

Slow build-up: This scenario starts gradually and becomes forceful. Begin by sitting behind your partner and massaging your partner's back and shoulders. After a time, start running your hands down the front of your partner's body. Your partner will shrug your hand away; you move it back. Your partner takes your hand away again. Put your hand back, and grope and fondle your partner's breasts and/or nipples. Your partner says "No!" and firmly removes your hand. Put it back just as firmly, and hold it there when your partner tries to remove it. Keep a hold on your partner when he or she tries to pull away; this is a good time to start kissing your partner's neck, as well.

Your partner will struggle more insistently to get away. Grab him or her more tightly and start pulling (or, if you're playing with clothing you don't mind destroying, ripping) your partner's shirt off. While your partner struggles, push him or her to the ground. Keep fondling and kissing while your partner struggles. Pull off more clothing, and use your weight to pin your partner to the ground. Match your partner's level of resistance with your own; the more your partner struggles, the more you respond.

The Intruder: This is a late-night scenario. Your partner is sitting alone in bed reading, perhaps dressed only in underwear or a negligee. All the lights in the house are off except the one in the bedroom. Dress all in black, perhaps wearing a ski mask if you like. Sneak into the house and tiptoe through the dark rooms toward the bedroom--or, if you have a sliding glass door or a window that permits it, come directly into the bedroom from outside. Take your partner by surprise, and wrestle him or her down onto the bed.

There are a lot of different things you can do to play with this scenario. You can carry rope, or a blindfold, or both, with you, and use them to tie down and blindfold your partner. Once your "innocent victim" is bound and helpless, you can take your time, and linger over your defenseless victim's body. Kiss your partner forcibly, then slowly work your way down your partner's body with your tongue, undressing him or her as you go. When you get down to your poor "victim's" thighs, explain that you're going to use your tongue, and if your partner becomes aroused, that means he or she likes it and wants to be raped.

Or, carry a knife with you. Grab your partner's wrists, hold the flat side of the knife against your "victim's" skin, and tell your partner not to struggle. Explain that your partner must do whatever you say, and has no choice about it. Order your victim to undress. Run your hands over your partner's body, taking your time. Then, order your victim to undress you as well. Drag the point of the knife gently over your partner's skin while he or she obeys. From there, you can have your way with your partner; for a little bit of extra fun, explain graphically, in detail, what you are going to do to your partner's body before you do it.

In the Shower: Your partner is innocently showering when you decide you're in the mood. The notion of all that wet, exposed skin just drives you wild, and you won't take "no" for an answer. Take off your clothes and sneak into the bathroom. Before your partner has time to respond, jump into the shower. Grab your partner's wrists and pin them to the wall. Hold them there over your partner's head with one hand, while your other hand runs down your partner's body. Feel between your partner's legs with one hand, and if you find any sign of arousal, it's time to take advantage of your "victim."

Hold your partner against the wall with your body and take him or her roughly as the water pours over both of you. After you're finished, "force" your partner to wash you thoroughly to clean you up.

Surprise Assault: One day you're home alone while your partner is out somewhere else--at work, at school, whatever. You hear your partner walking up toward the door, and you hide behind the door to take your partner by surprise.

As soon as the door opens, grab your "victim" by the hair and slam him or her up against the wall. Hold your partner there while you kiss him or her. When your partner starts to struggle, begin biting his or her neck. Your partner might take advantage of your distraction to struggle harder, and might even break away from you completely. No matter; grab your victim in a bear hug and wrestle him or her down onto the floor, the couch, or wherever else you find convenient. Keep your partner pinned with one hand (or with the weight of your body) while you pull off his or her clothes with the other. If your partner escapes, simply grab him or her again and drag him or her back to wherever you like. You may find that you don't even need to take off all your partner's clothes completely; just pull them aside enough to give you access for what you want to do.



If you like to slam your partner against the wall (and who doesn't, every now and then?) keep one hand behind his or her head. That way, you won't accidentally bang your partner's head into the wall, which is very un-sexy.

Right now: The flip side of the Surprise Assault scenario. You come home from work or wherever you happen to be and decide that you're going to take your partner at once, without asking first. Before you set this scenario up, attach a set of cuffs or ropes to the bed and then tuck them out of sight beneath the mattress. When you're ready, come home from wherever you are. As soon as you walk through the door, grab your partner and drag him or her toward the bedroom.

Your partner might scream or resist, but of course little things like that won't stop you. Throw your partner onto the bed and bind him or her in place, arms above the head. Rip open your partner's shirt and begin fondling, licking, and teasing his or her nipples. If your partner protests, you can explain that this is the least of what you have planned...or, if you prefer, use a gag to keep your partner from any further complaints. At this point, of course, you can do whatever you want.

You might find it fun to force your partner's legs apart, and explore with fingers, tongue, or whatever sex toys you have handy. For a bit of extra fun, if your partner is female, you might want to improvise some sex toys out of whatever you might have handy--candles work well, for example.

When you're ready, and you think you've teased your partner enough, it's time to take advantage of your helpless "victim's" body however you like.

Blackmail: This is a psychological rape fantasy scenario, rather than a physical resistance play scenario. You have discovered something about your partner that must not be revealed--perhaps you can pretend to have some racy photos of your partner which you will threaten to sell to the newspaper, or some confidential business paperwork that shows your partner was embezzling from the company, or whatever.

Your partner plays the role of a person who will do anything, anything, to prevent this information from getting out. And that gives you the ability to order your partner to do whatever you like.

This kind of scenario can be fun to role-play out over a series of several evenings. At first your demands are easy. You can sit order your partner to undress in front of you, and to do things like kiss you or massage you. Then, when you return the next day, you begin to demand more. Order your partner to give you a sexy lap dance, or to strip in front of you and touch himself or herself while you sit and watch. Even if your partner is uncomfortable doing these things, it doesn't matter; after all, since you have the incriminating evidence, your partner isn't in a position to negotiate! Tell your partner precisely what to do, in detail; for example, you may order your partner to open her shirt and run her hands seductively over her breasts until her nipples are hard, or order your partner to strip to his underwear and stroke himself through his underwear until he is completely erect.

The next evening, you can begin demanding more services. Tell your partner that the sexy performance from the evening before has made you want more. Undress, sit on the couch, and order your partner to kiss you and stroke your body lightly with fingertips. You may want to have your partner kneel in front of you and stroke, lick, or caress you until you come.

Finally, you decide that it's time for sex. Order your partner into whatever position you like. If you want, you can even demand that your partner ask you to have sex with him or her, or beg for sex; after all, since you're in control, your partner can't refuse without risking exposure of whatever incriminating information you have!

These are just a few quick and simple ideas that can get your creative juices flowing. You can mix and match, taking whatever elements you and your partner like and combining them into scenarios of your own. It's not always necessary to tell your partner in detail exactly what you like; after all, surprise is part of the fun! Work with your partner to find out what sorts of things you both like, then put those things together in any combination you choose.




What you'll need

A fantasy mock-rape scenario doesn't necessarily need anything at all. It can be as simple as jumping on your partner by surprise when he or she comes home from work, wrestling your partner to the ground, and having your way with him or her.

More elaborate scenarios may call for a few props. Disposable clothing, which you can get at a thrift store or out of the back of your closet, is fun and useful.

For scenarios involving pretend weapons, you can often find elaborate daggers at places like flea markets; often, these are purely ornamental and aren't sharpened, making them ideal for fantasy use.

If your scenario involves restraint, a set of cuffs is very handy to have. Some simple and cheap cuffs:

Basic Wrist Cuffs
Adjustable cuffs
with reinforced leather
band
These solid, functional, inexpensive wrist cuffs are just the thing for restraining your "victim" easily and securly. Remarkably well-made and durable, they are secure but also comfortable, and much safer for resistance play scenes than handcuffs or similar hard metal restraints.

Nylon and Leather Ankle Cuffs
Adjustable nylon cuffs
with reinforced leather
band and D-ring,
adjusts 6"-10.5"
Like the wrist cuffs above, these are solid, functional, inexpensive ankle cuffs that work well for basic bondage. Each includes a solid metal D-ring that makes attaching a rope or snap hook. These cuffs are comfortable and easily adjusted. Available in black, red, or pink.

Wrist/Ankle Cuff Set
Four 12" long Velcro
cuffs with nylon leads, incudes
adjustable blindfold.
This kit offers almost everything you need to get started--four cuffs affixed to nylon tie-down leads and one blindfold. The cuffs themselves adjust to any size wrist or ankle; each has a Velcro closure that's infinitely adjustable.

7-Piece Cuff Set
Four adjustable nylon/Neoprene
cuffs, two 48" tie-down straps,
six snap hooks, one padded,
contoured leather
blindfold; available in
black, purple, or red
This is a very nice, high-quality kit that includes just about everything you need, including snap hooks. The cuffs are comfortable and very durable, and are easy to adjust, and the contoured leather blindfold is comfortable even for extended wear. This is a higher-end kit than the one above, and offers greater versatility. This kit is an outstanding value for the money.

 




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